Even 'supermoms' need to realize that it's okay to occasionally reach for that box of tissues.
There are literally hundreds of articles out there for parents to peruse concerning separation anxiety for children- but there's almost no literature dealing with separation anxiety for moms in a visitation situation.
Here is where I will admit that my relationship with my ex is not a good one. The last two years have involved me getting protective orders for myself and the children, lengthy court battles, and STILL a lack of child support. However, as I've heard numerous times..'A guy can be the worst husband in the world, but still be a good dad.' Because of this statement, my ex still receives visitation with the children. No, I don't believe he is a good father in the least, and I worry every moment they are gone.
I have to sit back though and realize there is a value to the visitation. If, God forbid, I were to pass away in a car accident tomorrow I would not want my children going to live with someone that they barely know, or even hate. The fundamental fact is even though he has been completely lousy in their care or his concern for them, he is one more person in this world who loves them, and they don't deserve to have that taken away. I can only hope and pray that he changes his lifestyle and will one day become the father they deserve.
In the meantime, I struggle through occasional days where the house is empty. It feels like my heart is empty as well, and I often find myself moping through the day, fighting back tears and the urge to check on them every hour.
The best solution, I have found, is getting very involved in something. Set yourself a goal for your time without the kids. WRITE IT DOWN so you can see it- if it's visual it will have more impact- and crossing it off when you are done will provide a sense of accomplishment. Try to picture visitation as 'free babysitting' that allows you to catch up on housework, homework, and that all important sense-of-self. Remember that you are not just mom- but also a person, and try to keep in touch with friends or plan activities that you enjoy. Go for a walk, watch some movies, eat some ice cream, and don't be afraid to cry a little bit- but remember you are a warrior for fighting your fight, and give yourself kudos for getting to the end of the day.
Wow. This clearly shows that you don't have the dreamy "coparenting" situation that everyone suggests should happen between split-up parents (trust me, my parents had a *very* similar situation, except that my mom wasn't brave enough to put in a protective order).
ReplyDeleteHow often are your children with your ex? What can you do to encourage a good relationship between them and their dad? And do you get to run around with some family or girlfriends for an hour or two of destressing?
It is nice to see a single-parent's view, a mother's at that. My mom raised me on her own, up until she got married but by that point I was 14. I found it intereting to read that possible thoughts that ran across my mother's mind all of those times she called me, while out. Although I am 18 now, and have two silings for her to tend to; I think she may feel like this at those times that she calls me. Your post was quite intriguing, and maybe I will be able to understand the things my mother does that seem odd.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you read this and linked it with what your mom might have gone through. I don't think of us really understand until we are a parent ourselves. Moms spend every waking moment worrying about their children, if they are doing the right thing, if they are prepared enough for what is to come. We sacrifice so much for just a little smile, and we will never love anything more then our children. I remember going through periods as a teen and young adult where I didn't feel loved, but now that I'm a mom myself I see how wrong I was.
DeleteRemember all this on Mother's Day. LOL.