Another single mother blogger recently made a post about how hard it was on her to discipline her son. Now, all parents have to discipline of course, but for a single parent it can provide a special challenge- you sometimes feel like you are always the bad guy! There's no one else to share the role, so it all falls on you and it feels terribly unfair.
However, there are some great ways to turn discipline into a positive. I think the best way for me to explain is to give an example, using my son, who I'm going to call Little Man. (LM)
LM hits his sister because he wants the toy she has.
Mom: Time out, LM. Three minutes. Get up on the couch.
Time-outs should always be one minute per year of age of the child. Make sure the TV is off and the child does not bring a toy with them to time out.
LM: No!
Mom: If you don't want to do time out for three minutes you can go to your room for five minutes. Which do you want to do?
LM: Time out.
Mom: Good choice.
If the child refuses time out, give them a less appealing option to choose from. This makes the child feel like they have a voice in the matter and will usually stop any resistance.
LM gets in time out.
Mom: Now, tell me why you are in time out?
LM: I hit sissy.
Always make the child state why he is in time out. Never punish a child without him knowing why. Making the child say what he did wrong makes him accountable for his actions.
Mom: Why did you hit your sissy?
LM: I want that toy. It's my toy.
Mom: Was hitting your sister the right thing to do?
LM: No.
Mom: What should you have done instead?
LM: (shrug)
Mom: Think about it. If she has something you want, what do you do instead of hitting her.
LM: Share?
Mom: Right. You should have asked her if you could have a turn. Okay?
LM: Okay.
Mom: So next time she has something you want to play with, what are you going to do?
LM: Ask to take turns.
Mom: Right! Good job. And you never EVER do what..
LM: Never hit.
Mom: Hitting is bad. Good job. You have two minutes left in time out.
The most important part of discipline is making the child not only understand that what they did was wrong, but making sure that they understand what the right thing to do should have been. If you put a child in time out for hitting but don't tell them what the right action should have been, they are not developing the skills to solve the problem in the future. Also, make your child struggle to come up with the correct answer. The process of a 'thought struggle' will fire off neurons in their little brain, and coming to the solution on their own will form new synapses from the process of learning. Also, always rephrase two or more times what the bad solution was and what the good solution was. Always use positive exclamations when the child gets the answer right.
Two minutes pass.
Mom: Okay LM, time out is over. Go over to sissy and give her a hug and tell her that you are sorry. It hurt her when you hit her. Then ask her to share the toy.
LM complies and gives his sister a hug and says he is sorry.
Mom: You did a really good job in time out! I'm so proud of you.
Again, make the child accountable for his actions by way of an apology and an act of empathy. With alot of children, empathy is a skill that needs to be taught. Turn the whole negative experience into a positive by praising the child for handling the time out so well.
After this whole process, my son will often come over, give me a hug, and tell me thank you. I think it's hilarious because I just punished him, but it lets me know that I'm doing the right thing. By the time it's over, he thanks me for having taught him the right thing to do, and I don't hate myself for doing it.
This was amusing and interesting to read! I liked the way you explained a good way to discipline a child. You used an actual scenario and explained the reasons of your actions and responses very well. I think it's really nice, the way you turned time-out into not only a discipline technique but also a positive learning experience for the child.
ReplyDeleteI learned a lot of good, new information and also understood the process you used very clearly. I just hope I'll remember it ten years from now when I can actually use it! :)
I agree with Jessica, I think it’s really great that that you explained how to discipline your children. I can’t imagine how hard it is with one child, but you on the other hand have two young ones! So I think it’s great how you made a blog on how to discipline your children. I think the time out idea is a great way because they are learning their lesson and also it gives them a time to calm down and to think about what they did wrong. This information is very amusing and very helpful for me, especially in the future when I have kids! I thought this was a great idea and a great way to explain the good reasons to discipline your children!
ReplyDeleteI've heard a lot about this "Time Out" concept. When should a parent start it? Why is 1-minute-per-year the accepted time limit? Oh--and who is the other single mom blogger? In your link, can you use the blogger's site name? And what happens when/if Time Outs don't work?
ReplyDeleteI really like the use of dialogue here. You make this look like a play, and it's very clear and organized; easy to follow.