It all comes down to this..

In conclusion...

I started blogging about single-motherhood feeling very insecure. After all, what if something I said offended someone, or at worst, got back to my ex?

Well, over the course of the last fourteen weeks, I've learned something very important about myself: I don't really give much of a crud about what they might think, because what I have shared has hopefully been beneficial or informative to the people that my thoughts did matter too. And that is what is really important, right?

I also found that many of the other single moms I followed have the same attitude. Put it all out there, and hopefully help and inspire those who need it the most.

When I started this blogging journey I was still struggling, but I'm in a much better situation now. And the even better news: On July 3rd I'll have a FINAL 8 hour court date that will hash out everything- including the divorce- and come July 4th I'll have a new reason to celebrate Independence Day.

Thank you for helping me along the path, and I'll let you know how it goes.

For now, Supermom is signing out. God Bless.

Autism 101

Parenting is a challenge to anyone who undertakes it, but imagine for a moment trying to care for a child that is often unresponsive, frightened of change, or seems to be trapped in his own little world.  Unfortunately this scenario is very real for a number of parents, and there is a reported divorce rate of more than 80% in families with autistic children, leaving a very real burden on the remaining parent- almost always the mother. I wanted to discuss autism today to bring some awareness to the parenting community. As bad as we think we all have it as a single mom, it can always get worse. We should be grateful that our children are healthy, and educate ourselves regarding autism so we can see warning signs, and perhaps help ease the burden on others. 

After hearing that my son might potentially be diagnosed with mild Aspergers, I took it on myself to do a large amount of research into the disease, and I’m going to share it with you here.

In modern times approximately one to three in one thousand children born will have autism, and one in every one hundred ten children will be affected by an autism spectrum disorder. 

Autism is a neurological disorder that appears during the first few years of life.  Symptoms may begin as early as six months and are fairly evident by age three.  Autism is most commonly recognized for its impact on an individual’s social and communication skills, but a child with autism can display a wide variety of symptoms.  There is not one specific symptom that leads to diagnosis.  The symptoms are caused by the misrouting of information through the synapses of the brain.  Because the effects of the disease on an individual vary greatly, autism is called a “spectrum disease.” 

Autism is classified as one of three autism spectrum disorders or ASDs.  The second ASD is Asperger Syndrome.  It is a more mild form of autism that has more of an impact on a child’s social skills than it does on a child’s intellectual development.  The third ASD is Pervasive Development Disorder, or atypical autism, which is an autistic disorder that does not fit into the other categories.

The symptoms of autism vary between individuals, but the most common symptoms fall into three categories:  communication, social, and repetitive behaviors. Examples of communication symptoms include delayed speech, pointing instead of talking or asking, and lack of eye contact.  Socially, children with the disease have trouble holding a conversation, sharing their emotions, or understanding others.  As a result, autistic children often prefer to play alone.  Repetitive behaviors include being unwilling or unable to make changes in daily routines, eating foods of certain shapes or textures, doing the same activity over and over, using the same words, or even repetitive self-injury.

There are tools such as the Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers (M-CHAT) that medical professionals use to screen for the disease.  Screening for autism is a very lengthy process that includes a number of medical specialists.  First, they gather information about the child’s behavior and development, by observing the child and asking the parents to complete a questionnaire.  After the screening, the physician will either rule out the possibility of ASD or require a team of healthcare professionals to perform additional comprehensive testing.  The team includes but is not limited to a psychologist, a neurologist, and a speech therapist.  The team performs in-depth cognitive and language testing and completes a full neurological assessment of the child.  After the thorough evaluation, the team can make a proper diagnosis.

Currently, there is no cure for autism, but there are ways to treat the symptoms.  Studies show children who are diagnosed early and undergo treatment often have lesser impact from the disease than untreated individuals.  The treatments may consist of a combination of family and behavioral counseling, and medications for anxiety and to aid digestion. 

Unfortunately, autism does not improve with age, and most individuals with more severe forms of the disorder will need care for the duration of their life.  Foundations such as Autism Speaks and the Autism Research Institute continue to work toward a cure and provide assistance to affected families.  Everyone can help the foundations’ efforts by increasing their knowledge about the disorder, making monetary donations or by becoming involved in local service efforts.  Perhaps one day we will find a cure but until then treatment is a community effort.

American Psychiatric Association.  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.  4th, text revision  (ed.  2000)

Levy SE, Mandell DS, Schultz RT.  Autism.  Lancet.  2009

Office of Communications and Public Liason, Ninds.  (2009, September).  Autism Fact Sheet.  Retrieved April 9, 2011, from National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke: http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/autism/detail_autism.htm

Attack of the Orange Spit? DVDs fight back.

Orange spit. Yuck.

That's what my 3 year old called it when my 2 year old daughter began throwing up her snack of Cheez-It's all over my (of course- white) rug.

Twelve hours and a fever of 103 later, I made the decision to bring her to the ER. She couldn't keep down any fluids, and she was going downhill fast. From the symptoms, I knew it was likely something gastrointestinal, such as the flu, and she was so little and pitiful.

I hate to say it, but I'm sort of an expert on last minute runs to the ER. My son has a short trachea, and any time he gets a cold it turns quickly into croup. When he was one he had a bout so severe that he was transferred to Children's Hospital for a week long stay. Now, I take no chances with him, and I have a stocked 'ER' bag ready to grab and go.

So, while sitting in the ER waiting room with a vomiting toddler, I quickly became the center of attention to other impatient moms when I opened my ER bag, pulled out the portable DVD player, and was able to get my miserable daughter engrossed in an episode of Sesame Street. I had plastic grocery bags in there as well, ready for the next upchuck. (Although, the hospital will provide something similar if you want it.)

A number of other moms brought their little ones over, only to groan when my daughter and I were called into the back, the DVD player with us.

The nurse was impressed too. "I bet they all wished they had thought of that."

I'm not tooting a horn. Trust me, I wish I had NOT learned from experience. But maybe mine will help you. Here are the contents of my ER bag.

-Portable DVD Player + DVDs in a carry case
-Plastic Bags
-Wipes/Diapers
-Copy of Insurance Card
-Kids change of clothing, Change of PJ's
-Contact Solution and Case (For Mom)
-Sippy Cup- (Hospitals never have these)
-Fluffly Blanky
-Pillow Pal (Hospitals never have enough pillows)
-Deodorant and Toothbrush
-2 Bottles of Water and Peanut Butter crackers (for mom)
-A $20 Bill- If you have to stay for a night or two, it may be some time before you can get
 to an ATM
-List of important phone numbers- in case you manage to forget your cell in the rush out of the house
-And for those single moms- always keep a copy of your custody papers in the bag, in case the ex shows up and wants to challenge your decisions.

Final Paper Resources

I've found four different single-mom related blogs that are possibilities for my final paper. Although they all are centered around the same topic, they each have a unique style and focus.

http://www.singlemotherontheverge.blogspot.com/ Single Mom on the Verge - A single mother raising a teenage son facing the every day trials of life with a teenager. She has a very down to earth style, but her blog is riddled with humor.

http://pepperrific.com/ The Pepperific Life- Like me, this mother has young ones. Although I don't like the format of the blog (it's hard on the eyes), the author seems to struggle with a lot of the same issues that I do, while managing to look on the bright side.

http://thissinglemomsurvives.blogspot.com/ This is where I always go when I feel down and need a pick-me up. This woman has some serious femme-balls. She tells it like it is and holds no punches, and I bet she even hits like a boy. :)

http://twochicksandahen.blogspot.com/ Two Chicks and a Hen - A great site by a single mother of two toddlers. Instead of focusing on the deeper issues of single parenting she keeps it simple, giving advice to other moms on practical things like art projects and day to day savings. I find myself being very jealous of her creativity, and often go there on rainy days for some great ideas.

To Prep or Not To Prep?

That is the question!

Okay, so I have to admit that I'm equally enthralled and disgusted by the new show Doomsday Preppers. If you haven't seen it, it's basically a documentary done about people who are preparing (prepping) for disasters. All of the individuals in the show have different opinions of how it will happen, but they all seem to believe that some major catastrophe will occur in their lifetime. To be ready for it, they are preparing everything from huge food stores to underground bunkers equipped with all the major moder amenities.

While my first instinct was to roll my eyes, a second thought occurred to me: I am a mom, and isn't it my job to be prepared for anything on behalf of my children? And since it's just me, as a single mom, shouldn't I be more prepared then most?

First, I promised I wouldn't let this whole 2012 doomsday prediction thing get to me. I did a lot of research, and was able to pretty much rule it out.  If you still have doubts or concerns, check out these videos.

I was talking with my father about all of this, and he mentioned something else that's not part of the video. They Mayan calender does not include leap years. So, if you add up all the leap days that have passed since then, we're actually already beyond the date the Mayans predicted as the end of the world.

Okay, now here is where I get a little grim. Although I don't believe in the 2012 theory, or much of what is shown on Doomsday Preppers, watching the show and doing research has made me realize that I am woefully unprepared for an emergency. And, truthfully, one can happen any time. It might not be the end of the world, but the kids and I could get snowed in for a week, a hurricane could knock out the East Coast commerce system, etc.

So what is the answer? I'm currently working on building a food and water storage supply, enough for 3 months, for five people. (Kids, myself, and my parents.) I've purchased an emergency hand crank radio, and for my birthday I asked for useful items like a first aid kit and a Swiss army knife.

I may never need them, but at least I can go to sleep at night knowing that I am much better prepared for an emergency now, and pat myself on the shoulder for taking one more step in the direction of Super Mom.

Is it easier being a single mother?

Recently Jessica Olien, author of a piece titled "I Want To Be My Child's Only Parent," was interviewed on NPR by host John Donovan. Her story caused quite a buzz when it ran in an issue of Slate magazine, because she takes the idea of single parenting to an extreme by stating that she wants to have a child without a man in the picture at all because she believes it will be easier.

She herself was raised by a single mother, who in turn was raised by her single mother. Given her role models, it's easy to see why she is uncomfortable with the idea of having a husband around.

Many of the women who call in to comment during the interview talk about how being a single mom, or in one case, a single child, actually gives them a greater sense of having an extended family. The reason for this is that the single mothers had to depend more on friends and family, and because of that they established closer bonds with those people which might have not developed had a husband been in the picture.

While I myself do not agree at all that it is easier to be a single mom- and I think that the dad should be in the picture if he is loyal and capable- I can see Olien's point of view. So many marriages end in messy divorces- wouldn't it just be easier to cut the man out of the picture and never have to worry about his influence on the child?

Food for thought.

You really can't go it alone.

When I first left my husband I took my kids and moved back in with my parents. My goodness, that was a mess, but we managed to get through it. Truth be told, I needed them in that transition period. For two years, I'd been a mother who did everything for my children- my ex worked 14 hours days and when he was home he disappeared into the basement to play on his computer.

I was exhausted, and I thought that was how life was supposed to be for all mothers. I thought that I was somehow supposed to magically do it all on my own.

Living with my parents for the first few months changed that view. With their support, I was finally able to get some sleep, enroll in college, and have just enough 'me' time to get out and meet some other women. Now- yes- their relationship with me was a very different dynamic then that of a marriage, but it made me realize that anyone who truly cared about my children would want to spend time with them; and it also made me realize that I couldn't go it alone.

When my parents moved, I stayed in their house and am now renting it. I found a wonderful lady who is a grandmother herself to rent a room on the lower floor of the home. Not only does it provide me with the ability to pay the mortgage, but she's also become very close to the children. I know that if I have a middle of the night emergency she will be there to watch the kids. I also worry less about security having another adult in the home.

In addition, I've been blessed with a wonderful support group of women from my church. They are all married, but they respect me as a single mother instead of putting me down for it. Most of them have children slightly older than mine, but that hasn't stopped them from arranging play dates with me, and they have always been there when I couldn't find help elsewhere.

Unfortunately, I'm not the type who makes friends easily. I'm outgoing and have no trouble talking to someone for the first time, but I always feel uncomfortable with following up.

This is once again a time where I had to just suck it up and step up. My children are little; and thus not yet in school. They need other kids to play with that are their age, and they are not going to just magically appear.

I decided that I needed to be bold, so every time I have a nice conversation with a mother at the park who has children in a similar age range I  offer her my number. In a way, it sort of feels like dating. Since you can never be sure if a person really likes you, so it's easier to just give your number and wait for them to call.

Fortunately, a number of them have. I've been able to do numerous play dates, and while the kids are having fun, I'm establishing a relationship with a mother that will hopefully call on me in a trouble situation, and vice versa. (It helps that I'm a nursing student- what mom doesn't want a friend who is a nurse?)

It's been a life lesson. Ya, I don't need a man, but that doesn't mean that I don't need anyone.

Run! The Numbers are Attacking!

"Oh, well good for you."

This is the snide remark that I often hear from other women when I'm out at the park with my kids, and during idle conversation someone asks me what my husband does for a living. When I say I'm a single mother, or divorced, often the conversation will just teeter off to nothing.

It's sad, but alot of women have low opinions of other women trying to go it alone. I had a hard time understanding that, because truthfully we do double the work with half the resources. However, a quick read of  works like Ann Coulter's "Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and their Assault on America" might give people an entirely different viewpoint on single-motherhood.

I'll say in advance that I do not agree with the author on many points, but here are some of the supporting statistics about children raised in single parent households listed in her book:

-70 percent of inmates in state juvenile detention centers serving long-term sentences were raised by single mothers

-72 percent of juvenile murderers and 60 percent of rapists come from single-mother homes

-70 percent of teenage births, dropouts, suicides, runaways, juvenile delinquents, and child murderers involve children raised by single mothers

-Girls raised without fathers are more sexually promiscuous and more likely to end up divorced

-Account for 63 percent of all youth suicides

-Account for 70 percent of all teenage pregnancies

-Account for 71 percent of all adolescent chemical/substance abuse

-Account for 80 percent of all prison inmates

-Account for 90 percent of all homeless and runaway children

Everyone in Virginia who goes to court regarding custody of children is required to take a class on co-parenting, and many of these statistics are given in those courses to discourage couples from seperating.

Do I believe children should have two parents? Yes. Did I want my kids to only have me to count on? No. My situation was not pretty, and I did the right thing for my children, who have both been happier and healthier since my seperation.

Are there some single moms out there who just suck? I'm sure there are. But every single parent that I have met has shined- because when we realize that we are it for our kids, we step up bigtime.

But I have news for you, Ann Coulter. These kids are not failing because their mom (or in some cases their dad) is a bad parent, but because the court system has completely failed them. The simple fact is that a single parent will never be able to provide the income of two; so many of the children end up living in poverty or on less then they should.

What is the answer to that? Child support. Yeah, right.

Did you know that most states have not changed their child support guildlines since 1988? And I'd like to know, Mrs. Coulter, where a single mother, struggling to feed her children, is supposed to come up with tens of thousands of dollars to fight in court for child support owed to her.

I was a stay at home mother prior to my seperation. When I left, I realized that I could not support two small children on the salary I was capable of making. I enrolled in school for nursing to make sure that I would be able to provide for their futures, but in the mean time my family has spent more then 15,000 dollars and two years of time getting my children's dad to make his payments. I'm one lucky woman to have such a supportive family. Many do not.

So, a little news for you. It's not sucky parenting by single moms that is 'corrupting' our youth. It's red-tape, dead-beat dads, and big businesses unwilling to offer the type of flexibility and benefits that single parents need.

Maybe we should focus on that before blaming the moms. And as for your attack on ending a marriage, I'll bet that most of the single moms you talk to do not want to be single, and had a very good reason for taking on the challenge of sole-parenting. It's not exactly easy or glamourous. Lord knows I wouldn't have done it if I had not believed that it was the best thing for my kids.

Ann, you have used the statistics to meet your purposes, but their is a flaw in the way you present them. Why? Because people in bad home enviroments get divorced, instead of staying in the marriages. So, Mrs. Coulter, lets see you somehow do research on statistics of children raised in two-parent homes filled with hatred, violence, and mistrust, if they had stayed together instead of divorcing. I bet that those statistics would be much more frightening. Maybe I'd even buy that book. I'm sure that the royalties would go a long way towards getting you a second mansion.

 

Coulter, A. (2009) Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on America. New York: Crown Forum

Fail, Mommy.

One day this past week I decided to bake an Elmo-shaped cake for my kids. They had both been very well behaved the entire day, and had both made strides in their potty training. Elated, I unveiled my creation after dinner and set a big slice in front of each of them. I was sure that they would spend the following 10 minutes happily munching, so I grabbed a textbook, sat at the table with them, and got caught up in studying.

I was pulled from my study-daze by a chocolaty spitball landing on my cheek. Looking up, I realized that the kids had completely trashed the kitchen; they had smeared chocolate cake all over the table, walls, chairs, and of course, themselves.

Now, they know better then to make a mess in the kitchen. I scolded them, cleaned them up, made them wipe up the table, and them put them in the living room to play while I finished cleaning the mess.

While I did so, they managed to find a marker (probably from under the couch) and proceeded to color all over a $100 Mellisa and Doug wooden princess castle that I had bought for my daughter last summer.  When I came out of the kitchen and realized what they had done I got really upset. I tried to make them clean off the marker, but it wouldn't come off. The castle had been destroyed. I sent them both to their beds right then and there.

Once they were in bed and I had calmed down, I took a moment to reflect on the situation and felt terrible. After all, it was my inattention that had allowed them to make a mess at the dinner table, and I had punished them for it. And again, while I was cleaning the kitchen I left them to their own devices, and when they destroyed the castle it was again my inattention that had allowed them to do it.

They should have known better, but so should I. And I'm the adult.

A trip any Mommy would love...

Next time Christmas or birthday's come around for your kids I have a great suggestion; ask your friends and family to give the kids things to DO instead of toys. That way when winter comes and you are couped up you have an instant solution.

This is the challenge I gave my parents last Christmas. I left it opened ended, and they surprised me by giving me and the kids a year-long membership to the National Aquarium! Normally a trip for a family of four (and I say four because it's almost impossible to walk the little ones through this on your own) is about $150. Thus, a year long family membership for under 200 is a real bargain. If you are a single mom you can add a non-related adult as your fourth.

Here are some things you need to know:

-There are two locations; one in D.C. and one in Baltimore. If you're willing to go the extra distance to Baltimore it will pay off, as that location has the dolphin shows and a 4-D immersion theater that D.C. does not.

-Having said the above, make sure you have your portable DVD player (another mom essential) charged up and ready to go for the car trip.

-Even if you have a membership, you are going to have some costs. Parking is a little over $20 and if you plan on seeing a 4-D show (which is totally worth it) expect another $5/per person. Expect to park a block or two away.

-If you plan to spend most of the day there you can purchase a locker for $2 where you can put diaper bags, coats, etc. I really recommend this.

-You cannot bring strollers. You can get a carry-pack that will work if your child is an infant, but it's too small for larger toddlers. Plan on your little one walking and incorporate enough time into your schedule to accommodate for a couple little breaks.

-There is an amazing gift shop with lots of 'shineys' that will draw your kid in. Plan this into your budget as well, or get the floor plan as you enter so that you can avoid this in advance. There is also a cafe, but it would be more economical to bring your own meal.

-The rest of the details, including current exhibits, hours and directions, can be found on the website: http://www.aqua.org/

For us, the trip was magical. We started out by watching a 4-D showing of Dora and Diego, which my son STILL talks about a month later. You get 3-D glasses and sit in a theater where wind blows, snow falls, and you even get splashed as you explore the earth.

After that, we made our way to the dolphin show where we wisely decided to sit outside of the splash zone. (The people who sat in it got SOAKED- so if you want to let your kids experience this bring an extra change of clothes.) Even through my kids are little they got a huge kick out of all the dolphin squeals and tricks.

We then spent almost four hours meandering through multiple levels of amazing, colorful exhibits. My kids liked the 'Jellyfish Invasion!' exhibit the best- they were fascinated by the undulating movements and various sizes and colors of the jellies. (Who knew they came in different colors?) Mommy's favorite part was the amazon level, which was quite warm and steamy, covered in foliage, and had tanks full of exotic reptiles, amphibians, and fish. There were even colorful birds flying overhead.

The kids were exhausted by the time we were done, so we had a small dinner at a little sandwich place across from the aquarium and then headed home (with a new stuffed Nemo in tow). Just one last warning- if you plan from going from Baltimore to the NOVA area on a weekday prepare for quite a bit of traffic, and don't forget to take the HOV.

Pounding on the Walls

Thank the lord spring is coming.

A friend of mine from Florida keeps telling me how disappointed she is that we didn't get a lot of snow this winter, and I tell her she is crazy. After surviving 'Snowmageedon' a few years ago, I'm not itching to repeat the experience. Nor am I interested in being couped up in the house for weeks on end now that my kids are rambunctious toddlers.

Even so, the cold has had us pounding on the walls. It gets very boring being cramped inside day after day. Yeah, the little ones can manage a short walk where they are so bundled that they look like little zombies as they trot along, but it's not the same as 'going out to play'.

I've found a couple solutions to the 'walled-in' madness spreading through my house. Kids n' Motion is a local indoor playground stocked full of moon bounces, wooden castles and trains, slides, and even a little soft-block playroom for toddlers. The cost is a little painful- $6 per child- and that gets you a 1 1/2 hour session (with other kids) where you start in one room and move to the next halfway through. The upsides- the kids expend a bunch of energy and get a chance to interact with others their age. The downside- the cost, and of course, where there are kids, there are germs- and it never fails that one of mine catches something after we go.

If you can resist the pull of a giant pizza and wings, Chuck e Cheese is a somewhat affordable place to spend a morning. Notice I said morning. I never recommend that a parent with toddlers go in the afternoon- the place will be packed with older kids and your little one will often get shoved to the side. I usually spend about $10 on tokens and $2 on a treat like ice cream for the kids. This makes the cost about equal to Kids n' Motion, but you can spend quite a while there. The one in Woodbridge has an area for babies and toddlers, and an area for older kids, but mine like both. There are plenty of rides, games, and slides. My son likes to sit and do the racing games, while my daughter likes the life-sized racehorse game. It's so cute to see her sitting in the saddle. Oh, and don't forget to subscribe to their mailing list. You get free tokens on your child's birthday and half-birthday, and they often have great deals.

What's the cheapest indoor option? McDonald's playplace. Locally, there is one in Lakeridge off Old Bridge Road. It's free to go, but I always feel guilty so I buy cookies or something for the kids or a coffee for myself while they play. You wouldn't think that a big tunnel/slide would keep the little ones entertained for long, but I've spent more then four hours there some days. It really depends on if there are other children there or not.

On the days when it's pouring rain or Mommy is just too exhausted to pack everyone into the car, I resort to one of the greatest gifts ever given to me: the mini-moonbounce. It's a great thing to request for your children's birthday or Christmas gift. At a cost of about $200, it is an investment, but you can start using it as soon as your little one is strong sitter/crawler and it goes up to about 75 pounds. It fits easily in a playroom (mine is about 12x14) and inflates quickly with it's own air pump.

Last on my list is the best: The Baltimore Aquarium. There's so much to say about it however that I'm going to save it for another post.

Let me down easy....

Okay, so no offense...but I am totally let down.

I expected that in my search for amazing single mom blogs to analyze I'd have no trouble at all. After all, there are tons of us out there, and I'm sure that alot of us have smart and entertaining things to say, right?

Buzz. Wrong.

I'm tired of reading about the dating life of single moms in blogs that are supposed to be about parenthood. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you that your libido is surging and you've found new found freedom, but isn't being a single mom supposed to be about the kids first? And doesn't putting the kids first mean not leaving them with a babysitter five times a week so you can practice all the new found tips your gossipy girlfriends are sharing with you?

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath.

There are some really rocking single moms out there, and some of them have instantly drawn me in. One night when I was particularly down in the dumps I came across Single Mom Survives; a blog kept by a 30-something single mom in Chicago. I was instantly drawn in by her harsh but super-real descriptions of her past relationship and her current struggle- and suddenly I felt like I wasn't alone in dealing with all the drama. She's been through the blender but still makes it through every day by remembering who she is and focusing on the needs of her daughter and empowers her readers along the way.

Girl, I have no idea who you really are, and you have no clue who I am, but I'm now a follower for life.

God, are you Kidding Me?

Dearest God,

Here comes the bitterness. If you weren't immortal, I'd suggest that you duck.

Yeah okay. I know they say You (God) only give us what we can handle, but I have a complaint. I think you've confused me with a neurophysicist who has won 5 Olympic medals.

Seriously? No more please. Check your list twice and please realize that I'm only human, and despite the title of my blog there is nothing 'super' about this mom.

I did the right thing for my kids and left a dangerous situation. I was afraid of becoming a single mom, but I did it. I struggled through almost 2 years without support and alimony because every time my case came up the ex would fire his lawyer, hire a new one, and get an extension for the new counsel to become familiar with the case. Now, FINALLY, I had my day in court. The judge was fair, and ordered him to pay a specific amount on specific dates.

But, dearest God, did he do it? Nope. Of course not. Now I'm back to square one, and faced with either continuing to borrow, beg, and plead to put food on the table for my children, or to file charges and put my ex in jail, which might mean the loss of his job, which will probably mean complete loss of future support.

Again, seriously?

Ohhh...and to top it off,  he goes and gets demoted at work and his schedule changed. Since I built my college schedule around him having visitation on a weekday, he now is not showing up, and I'm having to miss classes because he decided to misbehave in the workplace. Lord Almighty, please convince him force him to wake up and realize that refusing to pay support while lavishing his new girlfriend with a half-million dollar home, vacations, and fancy TVs while his children are on food stamps is ridiculous.

Dearest God, I don't want to whine- but enough is enough. Please have some pity on me.

Oh, and please forgive me for wishing the terrible wish that when he does end up in jail, the big guy named Bubba thinks he's pretty. Like I said, I'm only human.

Amen.

Adorable Video

I came across this video while surfing the web. It's so cute, and I love the fact that the daddy found a way to share his hobby with his baby.

Discipline: Turn Time out to Cuddle Time

Another single mother blogger recently made a post about how hard it was on her to discipline her son. Now, all parents have to discipline of course, but for a single parent it can provide a special challenge- you sometimes feel like you are always the bad guy! There's no one else to share the role, so it all falls on you and it feels terribly unfair.

However, there are some great ways to turn discipline into a positive. I think the best way for me to explain is to give an example, using my son, who I'm going to call Little Man. (LM)

LM hits his sister because he wants the toy she has.

Mom: Time out, LM. Three minutes. Get up on the couch.
Time-outs should always be one minute per year of age of the child. Make sure the TV is off and the child does not bring a toy with them to time out.

LM: No!
Mom: If you don't want to do time out for three minutes you can go to your room for five minutes. Which do you want to do?
LM: Time out.
Mom: Good choice.
If the child refuses time out, give them a less appealing option to choose from. This makes the child feel like they have a voice in the matter and will usually stop any resistance.

LM gets in time out.
Mom: Now, tell me why you are in time out?
LM: I hit sissy.
Always make the child state why he is in time out. Never punish a child without him knowing why. Making the child say what he did wrong makes him accountable for his actions.

Mom: Why did you hit your sissy?
LM: I want that toy. It's my toy.
Mom: Was hitting your sister the right thing to do?
LM: No.
Mom: What should you have done instead?
LM: (shrug)
Mom: Think about it. If she has something you want, what do you do instead of hitting her.
LM: Share?
Mom: Right. You should have asked her if you could have a turn. Okay?
LM: Okay.
Mom: So next time she has something you want to play with, what are you going to do?
LM: Ask to take turns.
Mom: Right! Good job. And you never EVER do what..
LM: Never hit.
Mom: Hitting is bad. Good job. You have two minutes left in time out.
The most important part of discipline is making the child not only understand that what they did was wrong, but making sure that they understand what the right thing to do should have been. If you put a child in time out for hitting but don't tell them what the right action should have been, they are not developing the skills to solve the problem in the future. Also, make your child struggle to come up with the correct answer. The process of a 'thought struggle' will fire off neurons in their little brain, and coming to the solution on their own will form new synapses from the process of learning. Also, always rephrase two or more times what the bad solution was and what the good solution was. Always use positive exclamations when the child gets the answer right.

Two minutes pass.
Mom: Okay LM, time out is over. Go over to sissy and give her a hug and tell her that you are sorry. It hurt her when you hit her. Then ask her to share the toy.
LM complies and gives his sister a hug and says he is sorry.
Mom: You did a really good job in time out! I'm so proud of you.
Again, make the child accountable for his actions by way of an apology and an act of empathy. With alot of children, empathy is a skill that needs to be taught. Turn the whole negative experience into a positive by praising the child for handling the time out so well.

After this whole process, my son will often come over, give me a hug, and tell me thank you. I think it's hilarious because I just punished him, but it lets me know that I'm doing the right thing. By the time it's over, he thanks me for having taught him the right thing to do, and I don't hate myself for doing it.

Seperation Anxiety: for Mom.

Even 'supermoms' need to realize that it's okay to occasionally reach for that box of tissues.

There are literally hundreds of articles out there for parents to peruse concerning separation anxiety for children- but there's almost no literature dealing with separation anxiety for moms in a visitation situation.

Here is where I will admit that my relationship with my ex is not a good one. The last two years have involved me getting protective orders for myself and the children, lengthy court battles, and STILL a lack of child support. However, as I've heard numerous times..'A guy can be the worst husband in the world, but still be a good dad.' Because of this statement, my ex still receives visitation with the children. No, I don't believe he is a good father in the least, and I worry every moment they are gone.

I have to sit back though and realize there is a value to the visitation. If, God forbid, I were to pass away in a car accident tomorrow I would not want my children going to live with someone that they barely know, or even hate. The fundamental fact is even though he has been completely lousy in their care or his concern for them, he is one more person in this world who loves them, and they don't deserve to have that taken away. I can only hope and pray that he changes his lifestyle and will one day become the father they deserve.

In the meantime, I struggle through occasional days where the house is empty. It feels like my heart is empty as well, and I often find myself moping through the day, fighting back tears and the urge to check on them every hour.

The best solution, I have found, is getting very involved in something. Set yourself a goal for your time without the kids. WRITE IT DOWN so you can see it- if it's visual it will have more impact- and crossing it off when you are done will provide a sense of accomplishment. Try to picture visitation as 'free babysitting' that allows you to catch up on housework, homework, and that all important sense-of-self. Remember that you are not just mom- but also a person, and try to keep in touch with friends or plan activities that you enjoy. Go for a walk, watch some movies, eat some ice cream, and don't be afraid to cry a little bit- but remember you are a warrior for fighting your fight, and give yourself kudos for getting to the end of the day.

Share that PJ Party Cuteness!

Good Morning, Doorframe.

It was my seventh time getting up to the sound of my daughter crying due to her stuffy nose. Despite the fact that this time it was morning and there was light coming through the windows, I still managed to somehow, in my groggy daze, walk face first into my bedroom door frame. Clutching my bloody nose, I went to get my daughter out of bed. Of course, her crying woke my son, who in his current 'I'm a dog not a boy' phase, began to bark to let me know he wanted up as well.

After two dirty diapers and numerous bloody tissues I finally got the kids to focus on a riveting episode of Yo Gaba Gaba and snuck into the bathroom. The sight of myself in the mirror (bedhead, still in my PJ's, covered in dried blood) made me groan. I felt like my morning had exploded. And on top of this, I was somehow supposed to get everyone dressed, fed a good breakfast, and out the door for our busy day? Something had to give.

Shamefully, I reached for the box of pop tarts, figuring I could save a good twenty minutes. Then good sense took over, and I came up with a healthier idea. I took two plastic cups, filled them with a mixture of healthy cereals, blueberries, grapes, and yogurt melts. My kids happily munched on their 'morning trail mix' as I finished preparing for the day.

Sometimes we have to realize that our typical pancakes and eggs breakfast is not realistic, so often we moms (and our kids) skip out on breakfast or reach for the sugary alternatives. Research shows that children who eat a healthy breakfast are more likely to maintain a healthy body weight, do better in school, and participate in sports. (Rodriguez)

When your morning blows up, here are some other super fast options to consider that the little ones will love:

• Yogurt and banana smoothie
• Poached Egg on English Muffin
• Granola, Yogurt, and Fresh Fruit in a cup
• Banana, Peanut Butter, and Jelly in a wheat Hot Dog Bun
• Bagel and Cream Cheese with Apple Slices and Cinnamon
• Cottage Cheese and Apple Butter

I always try to keep an arsenal of ideas to turn those OMG moments into 'supermom' moments, and I always try to remind myself that if I'm a little late, the world won't stop turning.

  Rodriguez, D.(Feb. 4, 2009). Breakfast for Kids can be Healthy and Fast. Everyday Health, Retrieved on Jan. 29, 2012 from http://www.everydayhealth.com/kids-health/healthy-breakfast-for-kids.aspx

Where to start?

Before we jump on the horse and start off at a gallop, I guess the first thing we should do is get to know one another. Yes, I am a single mother. I've been separated for almost two years and I have a 3 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. Like many other single parent's I have other struggles- I'm a full-time student pursuing two majors, I own a small business, and I'm still struggling through the dirty D; otherwise called divorce.  I do not at all claim to be an expert; just a participant who sometimes feels like she was tossed into the ring of a championship boxing match mid-fight, and is desperately trying to learn as she goes.

And I'm not alone. According too Data Across the States 32% of children in Virginia are raised in single parent households. Even more astounding is that the same 2010 report states that the number of children in the District who have single parents is 60%.

Shortly I'll discuss all those scary statistics that people hear about children raised in a SPH. However, I want to start off on a lighter note; lets consider all the GOOD things about being a single parent first.

I found a recent article on Parents.com by Mary Mohler called Benefits To Being a Single Parent. Many of you may find her points insightful, and somewhat amusing. Here is a quick list of her 7 points:

• No more fighting about who does what
• There's no one to undermine my authority
• The closet is all mine
• I get every other weekend to myself
• The kids are (doing) just fine
• I can break the rules
• I like their father again (post-divorce)

Leave your cape at the door...

No, I don’t think that I’ll actually become ‘supermom’. After all, tearing off all my clothes to reveal my colorful superhero leotard all the time wouldn’t really be a financially sound decision. However, there are some days that I wish I had super powers, or the ability to clone myself, or maybe just a super-coffee strong enough to make me forget that I’ve gotten less than five hours of sleep a night over the course of the last four weeks.  More seriously- there are some days where I wish I was a more experienced mother, or I knew more single parents (yes, I’m including you custodial dads) or mentors who could offer me advice along the way.  It is a long, lonely road. And it’s exhausting. Did I mention…it’s EXHAUSTING? But it’s also worth it. My kids are worth it.  And that’s why I’m here; to share my research and experiences, and hopefully have an outlet for this whole insane experience that might touch your life in some way. Perhaps you might empathize with my experiences, or have advice or offer me, or simply be curious about the journey. Whatever your reason for reading may be; welcome. The camaraderie is free, just don’t ask me to change any more diapers. J